omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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