the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
