just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
