You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
