i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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