He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
