How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
