I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
