I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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