I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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