i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
