Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
