Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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