All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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