after a month anything with tits is on the radar
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
