I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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