the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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