I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
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