The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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