you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
