I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
where am i from again
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I supernannyed him into submission
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
