i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
