awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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