My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
