I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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