somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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