chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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