some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I want to be your penis for a week.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
