we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
