how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
