I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
