you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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