we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
