rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
