youre lurking in front of me
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Mom said you looked used
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
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