the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
