My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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