Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
