my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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