Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
