I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
