I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
