I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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