New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
‪He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life‬
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
