Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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