im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
