Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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