I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
