Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
