You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
