it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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