i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
