I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
