imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
